I think I should hook up a PayPal link to my cell phone so I can actually get paid for all this sexting.

The last time I called a phone sex hotline was in fifth grade (yeah, I said it). I used to pedal my neon pink and black Murray Outrage to the payphone near the laundry room at my apartment building, dial 1-800-PHONE-SEX and listen to the intro before giggling and hanging up. I can still hear the raspy-voiced vixen on the other line (likely a beast of a woman wearing torn, cheetos-fingerprint stained sweatpants) asking me to put $3.99 into the pay phone so we could begin our wild and naughty adventure. Luckily for me, I didn’t have 16 quarters in my fanny pack.

It’s now 15 years later and, as someone who works 40-hours per week at less than $30,000 salary, I think $3.99 per minute sounds like a perfect pay scale. In fact, if I were to work as a phone sex operator for 40-hours per week, I would be making approximately $240/hour, $1,900/day, $9,500/week, and $494,000/year — minus whatever cut Hot Sluts 4 U would take out annually.


While this seems like a tiring affair, quite a few men currently turn to me for their sexting needs — a task which I am often able to do while working, driving, eating, socializing and so on. So why not get paid for my talents? Isn’t that everyone’s goal in life?
I have decided that the next time I receive a text reading, “Hey I have a hankering to lick some place naughty. What are the chances of that happening tonight?” (Yes, a direct quote.) I will respond: “You have contacted Ridin Dirty Diana’s Sexting Service, please click the following PayPal link to start the slip n’ slide.”

 This way, I can make it rain, so to speak, while I tantalize the countless ex fuck buddies, cock teases, prospective future mistakes, and people’s boyfriends who I talk to each week. And, since we’re using text messages instead of actually talking on the phone, I won’t be grossed out by all those funny noises men make whilst beatin’ their banana. Plus, I won’t have to brush up on my acting skills, or smoke a pack of Marlboro’s each day to maintain my sexy and coquettish voice. Honestly, I can think of no reason to not immediately implement this program. And I suspect that I already have a following.

 So, dirty birds who text me frequently, when next you aim to commence a session of dirty talk, please have your Visa or MasterCard ready, because this shit aint free anymore. I’m going to take over the world, one “I’m so wet” at a time.