Bald + Beard = Boner

Call me a creep but, typically, when I see a guy with a beard walk by, I can't help but fantasize about sitting on his face and just suffocating that fucker. Similarly, when I see a bald guy walk by, I can't help but think that I'd like to sit on his head. No, not his face, you heard me right: his head. His. Entire. Head. Where you see a monotonous bald man, I see a monstrous dildo and daydream about a perfect world… where I’m worn like a pair of ear muffs. 
As the proud owner of a sick and sullied mind, I sometimes get a little flustered when I see a pleasantly phallic bald head gleaming alluringly across the room. Not only will a testosterone-laden bald man bang the shit out of you, but bald heads simply look like huge cocks, especially when Bic'd and slicked. Perhaps this is why I like pulling a man’s hair so much: I’m trying to accelerate his male pattern baldness.
If I see a man whose head and body resembles a huge walking/talking shaft; and I am therefore forced to think about him head-fucking me; then I'm the pervert? Me? You're the one walking around with your dick hanging out and trying to seduce me. You obviously want me to fantasize about mounting you like a spider monkey ascending a tree; perching myself atop your cranium; shimmying downward, and having you wear me like a helmet. Meanwhile, I’d relive childhood glories and treat your head like a goddamned Sit n’ Spin — my favorite toy as a youngster.
With that frighteningly graphic image firmly in place, now seems like a good time to clarify that there’s no way I could fit a skull in my cock socket. And, in an effort for complete disclosure, I'm one thumb short of having ever been fisted. However, I have a sneaking suspicion that there is already a market for this kind of thing. Porn has taught us that women try to shove, stuff, and cram all kinds of crazy shit into their junk drawer — cucumbers, wine bottles, horse schlongs, etc. — so I'm sure a human head is not that big of a [ahem] stretch. Plus, there are probably more than a few men with some sort of Freudian “I want to fuck my mom” reverse-birthing fetish. In the rotten brains of sexual beings, anything is possible. Consider this piece of writing Exhibit A. 
Like I said earlier, big ol' sexy man beards make me want to sit on faces until I get whisker burns on my inner thighs and can’t wear jeans for a week. Men with beards are manly; they inspire images of brawny, aggressive lumberjacks who'll steal you away to the mountains and ravage you with some serious wood. And a bald man who also has a beard? Don’t even get me started on that combo. 
A basic Google search finds that these two of my many obsessions: bald heads and beards, are legitimate fetishes. Peladophilia is known as the obsession with/arousal from a person’s bald head; and pogonophilia is the obsession with/arousal from a beard. The fact that these definitions even exist makes me believe that I might not really be as crazy as I sound. I mean, I don’t know how many others out there feel exactly the same way as I do, but it’s both alarming and comforting to know there may just be a support group for me somewhere out there.

We’re whores

 
Twenty-nine percent of men in the U.S. report having 15 or more female sexual partners in a lifetime, while only 9 percent of women report having sex with 15 or more partners, indicates a 2007 survey conducted by the National Center for Health Statistics.

Findings also conclude that, on average, men have seven sexual partners in their lifetime, compared with four sexual partners for women.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Says who?

Granted, the news articles based on this report include no statistics on exactly who was responding to their survey — we know not their age, race, religion, class or even country. But these figures simply CAN NOT be accurate (I‘m spelling that word wrong to make a point, so suck it.) Now, I’m not an unabashed cum-guzzling, jizz-mopping, tea-bagging, penis receptacle; but I think it goes without saying: I’ve had a few dicks in me. Plus, I know a lot of women who blow the roof off the mother fucker when it comes to being a gap-toting slutbag, so I think I’m free of full-blown trollop status. And, even if tons of people marry their high school sweethearts, and/or have relationships that last 5-10 years, wouldn’t the porn stars even out the prudes? What, they didn’t survey any?

I find it more than a little concerning that these stats come from a division of the Center for Disease Control. I would imagine the CDC actually knows what they’re talking about. You’d think the government would have the best technology and the most honest statistics available. Or, maybe this is a huge conspiracy. Perchance the National Center for Health Statistics is secretly funded by the religious right, whose goal is to interview limited subjects, and publish false findings, in an overall effort to curb sexual activity! *insert dramatic sigh here* Well if so, good luck, The Man, I’m pretty sure sex will always win — in any battle.

I’m also curious what the Center means when they say the results were obtained “using high-tech methods to solicit candid answers on sexual activity.” Did they bug my bra or something? I don’t care how high-tech the methods were, and how frank the responses, I’d say a fair amount of people lied about their answers. Who replies honestly when a complete stranger asks about their personal business? (Besides me and a few other shamelessly sluttastic individuals, that is.) I feel like a great deal of people must, for some reason or another, be embarrassed about their sex lives and, consequently, fib about fucking as many fools as they have.

Pulling rank

So, what makes 15 the magic number? If I were to draw a line in the sand, I’d say a solid 50 cocks marks a slut (although that’s probably because that number seems so far from my own guesstimate.) These audacious facts have encouraged me to create a pecker -ahem- pecking order in terms of sex and the modern woman.

Here you have it, the Hierarchy or Whoredom:

     Porn star 15++++

     Prostitute 15+++

     Slut/whore 15++

     Single/sexually liberal 15+

     Prude/serial monogamist 0-14

You can determine where you place on this list; but, please, don’t be ashamed of your status. In some states it's still illegal to be on top; give a blow job; take it up the ass; or even pair patent leather shoes with a skirt. If you aren’t scared of the police knocking down your door, you shouldn’t be scared of what other people think. But, in the end, it’s your business and no one else’s… unless, of course, you talk about sex and dicks and such as a leisurely pursuit, like someone you all know.

Since these statistics are seemingly nonsense — and as a result of no demographics being released along with the fraudulent findings — I took a little survey of my own. In my research, I surveyed women between the ages of 20 and 50, who are either married or single, and of all sexual orientations. And, as it turns out, the whore’s have it! My survey of 65 women found that 44 “ladies,” or 68%, have fucked 15 or more partners. Meanwhile, 21 refined females, or 32% of respondents, have lain with less than 15.

And, apparently, every man is a whore (shocking). Either that, or they’re all liars, since only one man admitted to having slept with less than 15 partners. For shame! Married, under 15 sexual partners, and NO diseases before the age of 30? How dare you be a civilized non-man-whore! And in the year 2012, no less? Psh! (To be fair, I think those men who had scored with under 15 women simply didn’t answer.)

And, you may be wondering why I didn‘t include gay men in my findings. From the few responses I gathered, I’ve concluded that their ranking system is far different than my own. The lifestyles of some gay men represent 2012’s approach to free love and loose principles and, I must say, I admire them for that. They’ve revamped the social norms and stigmas attached to sex. Why aren’t heterosexuals less uptight about sex? Or maybe the majority of us are...

In conclusion, it seems the 44 nameless sluts I studied disprove the theory that the average woman has slept with but four men. So, maybe we’re not complete whores (assuming that I‘m one of the many skanks discrediting this theory): we don’t charge; we use protection; and we won’t get you arrested. And, who determines what makes a slutty whorebag, anyway? 15 P’s in the VG? Eh, NBD. In this day and age, 15 men in your cock chamber in one lifetime ain’t shit. And, if 15 men makes a whore, then wear that scarlet A proudly, you buncha bitches. Say it loud, say it proud, “I’m a whore!” I know most of you wear that badge with your head high — either that, or I only choose to consort with harlots. On that note, let’s end this piece with some priceless quotes from a few of the loose slots I surveyed:

“If over 15 is a slut, I’m a dirty whore!”

“You know my answer... It's true... I'm a dirty, filthy, nasty slutbag whore…”

And, my favorite response, “In my whole life, or this year?”

If you ask, they’ll whip it out.

  Flub. His pink, flaccid, ginger pube-concealed dong flopped into his hand, as the two men on either side of me quickly turned their heads, uncomfortably averted their eyes, and focused on smoking their cigarettes. I’ll be damned, it worked again. I unleashed my usual response: throwing my head back, cackling, and pointing at the saggy little spring roll.

It wasn’t necessarily the size of it that made me chuckle, or that it appeared softer than a marshmallow, but the fact that this stranger actually had the balls to hang dong on demand. (And the fact that he looked like Simple Jack from Tropic Thunder didn’t much help me contain my laughter.) He shrugged, stuffed his sad, wilted, wiener back inside his frayed denim shorts, and walked away — surprisingly unscathed by the incident. Yes… this is how I sometimes choose to pass the time.

My question for Simple Jack, and the forthcoming others who have complied to my request, is this: What did you expect? Me to start stroking it and stuffing it into my mouth in front of everyone? Of course I’m going to laugh at a limp penis in public, who the hell wouldn’t? And, for fuck’s sake, why wouldn’t you at least slap some sense into it before showing it off?

Let’s just make a rule: If it isn’t at half-mast, or at least shows signs of curiosity, keep it in your pants (whether I ask you to take it out or not). I’m not getting my hand, mouth, or otherwise near that sucker until there‘s a sign of life. Trust me, you’ll be doing yourself a favor, showing off a drooping noodle isn’t going to get you anywhere. Actually, nothing is going to get you anywhere because my goal in asking a man to whip it out is only A.) to see if he will, and B.) because its fucking hilarious. You may be wondering why I do this for pleasure. I’m sick in the head, I won’t be coy. I do wonder whether I’m the only person flirting with dick-disaster, but, unlike masturbation, there aren’t articles in teen magazines informing you that the act of asking people to pull out their dicks is completely normal. Don’t worry, everyone does it.

It was about six years ago when I first asked a sloppily drunk man to whip it out with the intention of mocking his intoxicated demeanor. (Read: just to fuck with him.) I remember it like it was yesterday: Baseball cap, polo shirt, and… dare I suggest khaki shorts? The sorry excuse for a douche bag unzipped his zipper, pulled it out and let it sag down from the front of his pants. For five minutes he casually stood there with his hands in his pockets and his meat hanging out of his zipper. It was almost as if he forgot it was visible. He casually carried on a conversation with my friend — so casually, in fact, that she didn’t even notice his prick until she saw myself and another girl pointing at his crotch and practically peeing ourselves out of hysteria.

On another occasion, a random man pulled it out on a crowded dance floor. In this case, I had been talking to him for maybe two minutes, and that puppy was out before I finished the sentence. Please note, I didn’t say question, I said sentence. I don’t even ask them to, I simply suggest, “Let’s see your dick.”

I guess I probably lead them on; but, shit, it’s only a proposition. I don’t recall signing a contract. And, although I am clearly to blame for encouraging these three examples of disturbing public exhibition, I‘ve never suggested a man hang dong and been denied.

So what’s their motivation? Do they simply enjoy showing it off? Are they just confident? Is it because these certain individuals never get the chance to show a woman their dick? Do they need feedback on the size, shape and color? Do they actually think the outcome will be a hand job/blow job/etc.? Whatever your reasons, power to ya, shameless dick showers. You had me at flub.