Call me a creep but, typically, when I see a guy with a beard walk by, I can't help but fantasize about sitting on his face and just suffocating that fucker. Similarly, when I see a bald guy walk by, I can't help but think that I'd like to sit on his head. No, not his face, you heard me right: his head. His. Entire. Head. Where you see a monotonous bald man, I see a monstrous dildo and daydream about a perfect world… where I’m worn like a pair of ear muffs.
As the proud owner of a sick and sullied mind, I sometimes get a little flustered when I see a pleasantly phallic bald head gleaming alluringly across the room. Not only will a testosterone-laden bald man fuck the shit out of you, but bald heads simply look like huge cocks, especially when Bic'd and slicked. Perhaps this is why I like pulling a man’s hair so much: I’m trying to accelerate his male pattern baldness.
If I see a man whose head and body resembles a huge walking/talking shaft; and I am therefore forced to think about him head-fucking me; then I'm the pervert? Me? You're the one walking around with your dick hanging out and trying to seduce me. You obviously want me to fantasize about mounting you like a spider monkey ascending a tree; perching myself atop your cranium; shimmying downward, and having you wear me like a helmet. Meanwhile, I’d relive childhood glories and treat your head like a goddamned Sit n’ Spin — my favorite toy as a youngster and as an adult. I mean, fuck, that's as close to being a spinner as I'll ever get.
With that frighteningly graphic image firmly in place, now seems like a good time to clarify that there’s no way I could fit a skull in my cock socket. And, in an effort for complete disclosure, I'm one thumb short of having ever been fist-fucked. However, I have a sneaking suspicion that there is already a market for this kind of thing. Porn has taught us that women try to shove, stuff, and cram all kinds of crazy shit into their junk drawer — cucumbers, wine bottles, horse schlongs, etc. — so I'm sure a human head is not that big of a [ahem] stretch. Plus, there are probably more than a few men with some sort of Freudian “I want to fuck my mom” reverse-birthing/head-fuck fetish. In the rotten brains of sexual beings, anything is possible. Consider this writing Exhibit A.
Like I said earlier, big ol' sexy man beards make me want to sit on faces until I get whisker burns on my inner thighs and can’t wear jeans for a week. Men with beards are manly; they inspire images of brawny, aggressive lumberjacks who'll steal you away to the mountains and ravage you with some serious wood. (And a bald guy with a beard? Dear god, that’s hot.)
Perhaps the reason such facial hair conjures visions of face-fucking is because a bearded mouth reminds me of a vagina, all slick and furry, with lips and shit. Can you blame me for desiring a little mouth-to-mouth resuscitation? Forget about having a heart-to-heart, how about a little beard-to-beave?
I realize upon writing this that it sounds like a have a wooly mammoth of a hatchet wound, but fuck it. I'm basically having you all imagine me with a unkempt bush head-fucking bald guys and mouth-fucking bearded dragons. And, while I’ve most likely scarred you for life, I personally am okay with it.
While I can't get enough of riding a scruff muffin — well, romanticizing about it, anyway — I once had a friend say she could never “date” a man with a beard because if he went down on her he'd be wearing her on his face all day... all week... dare I say, all month? Although she seemingly had a good point, this is the same person that demanded a man go to the restroom and use mouth wash in between going down on her. Listerine? How pristine! Some people just don’t respect a good beard.
These two of my many obsessions: bald heads and beards, are legitimate fetishes. Peladophilia is the obsession with/arousal from a person’s bald head; and pogonophilia is the obsession with/arousal from a beard. I don’t know how many others feel exactly the same way as I do, but it’s both alarming and comforting to know there may be a support group for me somewhere out there .