If you ask, they’ll whip it out.

  Flub. His pink, flaccid, ginger pube-concealed dong flopped into his hand, as the two men on either side of me quickly turned their heads, uncomfortably averted their eyes, and focused on smoking their cigarettes. I’ll be damned, it worked again. I unleashed my usual response: throwing my head back, cackling, and pointing at the saggy little spring roll.

It wasn’t necessarily the size of it that made me chuckle, or that it appeared softer than a marshmallow, but the fact that this stranger actually had the balls to hang dong on demand. (And the fact that he looked like Simple Jack from Tropic Thunder didn’t much help me contain my laughter.) He shrugged, stuffed his sad, wilted, wiener back inside his frayed denim shorts, and walked away — surprisingly unscathed by the incident. Yes… this is how I sometimes choose to pass the time.

My question for Simple Jack, and the forthcoming others who have complied to my request, is this: What did you expect? Me to start stroking it and stuffing it into my mouth in front of everyone? Of course I’m going to laugh at a limp penis in public, who the hell wouldn’t? And, for fuck’s sake, why wouldn’t you at least slap some sense into it before showing it off?

Let’s just make a rule: If it isn’t at half-mast, or at least shows signs of curiosity, keep it in your pants (whether I ask you to take it out or not). I’m not getting my hand, mouth, or otherwise near that sucker until there‘s a sign of life. Trust me, you’ll be doing yourself a favor, showing off a drooping noodle isn’t going to get you anywhere. Actually, nothing is going to get you anywhere because my goal in asking a man to whip it out is only A.) to see if he will, and B.) because its fucking hilarious. You may be wondering why I do this for pleasure. I’m sick in the head, I won’t be coy. I do wonder whether I’m the only person flirting with dick-disaster, but, unlike masturbation, there aren’t articles in teen magazines informing you that the act of asking people to pull out their dicks is completely normal. Don’t worry, everyone does it.

It was about six years ago when I first asked a sloppily drunk man to whip it out with the intention of mocking his intoxicated demeanor. (Read: just to fuck with him.) I remember it like it was yesterday: Baseball cap, polo shirt, and… dare I suggest khaki shorts? The sorry excuse for a douche bag unzipped his zipper, pulled it out and let it sag down from the front of his pants. For five minutes he casually stood there with his hands in his pockets and his meat hanging out of his zipper. It was almost as if he forgot it was visible. He casually carried on a conversation with my friend — so casually, in fact, that she didn’t even notice his prick until she saw myself and another girl pointing at his crotch and practically peeing ourselves out of hysteria.

On another occasion, a random man pulled it out on a crowded dance floor. In this case, I had been talking to him for maybe two minutes, and that puppy was out before I finished the sentence. Please note, I didn’t say question, I said sentence. I don’t even ask them to, I simply suggest, “Let’s see your dick.”

I guess I probably lead them on; but, shit, it’s only a proposition. I don’t recall signing a contract. And, although I am clearly to blame for encouraging these three examples of disturbing public exhibition, I‘ve never suggested a man hang dong and been denied.

So what’s their motivation? Do they simply enjoy showing it off? Are they just confident? Is it because these certain individuals never get the chance to show a woman their dick? Do they need feedback on the size, shape and color? Do they actually think the outcome will be a hand job/blow job/etc.? Whatever your reasons, power to ya, shameless dick showers. You had me at flub.