“Do you do couples?”

Out of boredom the other day, I decided to bury my pride six feet under and join a typical, clichéd, and slightly frightening dating site. Considering that I recently saw the documentary Catfish, I’m not sure why I would practically solicit a prospective stalker. I guess if I had to name a reason for joining said site, I would say: A., I like to flirt; B., my ego could use the occasional validation; and, perhaps most importantly, C., it’s like shopping for sex (albeit most likely in the irregulars section.)

Dating sites are kind of like eBay, only for fucking and/or finding a relationship of any magnitude. You can check out an item (man/dong) and see if it looks damaged or weathered from use; make assumptions based on photos; and negotiate a fair price (date/casual sex/etc.) — all the while competing with other individuals for the grand prize.

In the mere three days I have had this account; I have been approached in a variety of ways. One man messaged me, “hey, you’re online, I’m online. Fuck this, let’s fuck. Dub palace is on 1390 and I have a boner,” an especially amusing offer since DJ Segue is a good friend of mine. Another guy messaged me, “Are you in love with me?” to which I sarcastically replied “head over heels.” And yet another attractive man messaged me, “Do you do couples?”

Hmm… do I do couples? I’m not completely opposed to the idea of a threesome. In fact, I may or may not have already had a threesome… and it may or may not have been with two men. Maybe yes, maybe no. But, as a woman who can be somewhat jealous at times, could I share a man, neigh, a penis with another woman? A woman who gets him full time, no less?

And, I can’t help but wonder: Could I hook up with the woman and to what extent would I be expected to do so? I’ve made out with a woman before, and I’d switch teams for Ginger Perry in a New York minute, but I’m pretty confident that tongue and tittie action is as far as I could go (although I bet a woman is better at going down on a woman than a man). Besides, I get dressed for other women, not undressed.

Then again if one was to “do” a couple, two strangers would certainly be the ideal. You could fuck ‘em and chuck ‘em and go on with your life. Whereas if I were to enter Smashville with a couple who are also my friends, I would have to think about them naked every time I’d see them from that point forward. “Oh, there’s curves to the left, and little miss three nipples,” or “Remember that guy I told you about who shouted out ‘Tammy Faye Baker!’ during sex?” And I don’t even want to know what they’d say about me.

And yet another issue, perhaps the most important one yet, is the fact that I’m an only child. As a result of this, I’m not necessarily accustomed to sharing. I don’t share my toys — be they legos or vibrators — and I don’t share my power tools either. Picture it: The other women grabs her boyfriend’s cock and I grab it away from her, “Hey, that’s mine! It’s my turn! I’m telling my mom!”

While getting down with a couple could be a complete blast, and make one hell of a story, I don’t think I could do it. With all these little hiccups and hang-ups in mind, I think that, for me, a ménage et trois with a male/female couple is a ménage et nah (but if you know two hot tattooed men who are interested, let me know.)