When a man says the word "yummy" in a seemingly sexy way, I find it creepy... or juvenile… or effeminate... or all of the above. On a side note, I also hate the word "pussy."

  There are some words that just give me the heebie-jeebies and which, if I may be so bold, should be eliminated from our vocabulary. There are other words that are fine in one use, but completely disconcerting in another use. One example being the word “pussy.” You can use this word to talk about a cat, or someone who needs to grow a pair, but when used in reference to a woman’s va jay jay, it’s just gross. Meanwhile, the word “yummy” coming out of a man’s mouth is about as sexy as tight pants clinging to a moose knuckle — not at all… ever.

Yummy: a way to describe cupcakes, not my coochie

Once upon a time, I was sexing with ahottie. At first he described an ostensibly hot scenario, one in which I found it easy to imagine myself. But then, after I said something back, he responded with only one word, a word which always makes me cringe: yummy.

Yummy? Seriously? Did I just offer you a slice of pie? No, I didn’t; I offered you little ol’ me on a silver platter. And, while you’re welcome to eat me and find me delicious, delectable and scrumptious, please avoid from using the word yummy — you are not a five-year-old child, and I am not a cupcake.

Let’s put it this way, if I had a big ol’ cock and, therefore, the ability to grow a massive erection, I am guaranteed the word yummy would instantly make it flaccid. (I have often also testified that the sight of khaki pants would also make me go limp if I had a schlong, but that’s a topic for another time.) People have, on occasion, asked me what word I use instead during dirty talk. Well, maybe one day you’ll find out. But, typically, I let her speak for herself.

Pussy: the most sickening word since snatch

Now I’ll be the first to admit: From time to time I actually use the word pussy — but never in reference to mine or someone else’s downtowner. I’ll call someone a pussy if he or she is being a crybaby. Oh, suck it up, you fuck’n pussy! But I’ll never say out loud, “Ooh baby, my pussy is so wet.” Gross; typing that resulted in me blushing, shaking my head from side to side, and making a sour face.

Why do I hate this term for a tulip? You may remember learning about onomatopoeia in English class. This is an approach to writing in which the words used imitate the source of the sound that it describes. For instance, “A busy bee in the breeze buzzes through the trees.” When you read this sentence, you can almost hear the little bee swerve past, as the words seem to go bzz bzz — a lovely little image.

However, when someone says "pussy" it sounds slick and slippery and slightly disturbing… see what I mean? This word creates a far from charming depiction of what it describes, be it an accurate account or not. I’d image this is the reason so many people get uncomfortable when they hear the word “moist.” The word moist is sopping wet, saturated, soaked… and all-around sordid. I could do without a man using the word “panties,” as well… maybe because the word makes them sound — dare I say — moist?

And these words take creeptastic to a whole new level when said by someone with a lisp. For example: “Ooh baby your puthsy is tho wet,” “Sthweet jethsus are you moithsth,” or “Let me thslip off your pantiethz.” These examples provide all the more reason to eliminate the usage of such expressions.

So, remember: If you find that you simply must talk, please keep in mind that yummy is for cupcakes and pussy is for cats. Let’s not ruin this with a bunch of talk.