Yesterday I found myself sexting three men at the same time — perhaps the only reason I have the balls to put “good multi-tasker” on my resume. It wasn’t necessarily my intention to initiate dirty talk with each one, but I was born with a preternatural ability to construct sentences almost entirely composed of sexual innuendos. Everything I say is overtly suggestive. What can I say? It’s a gift.
It is so common for me to be slangin’ smut that sometimes I’m oblivious to the fact that I may be slowly encouraging, nay erecting a boner on the other end of the conversation. In fact, I have multiple times had a man mention that we had been sexting and laughed to myself, “You think this is sexting? Honey, this ain’t shit.” This is just how I communicate: my thoughts are filtered through a filthy mind and then come out of my mouth. You see?
I’m pretty sure that everyone reading this has participated in this act (many of which with me personally), but in an effort to be thorough, let’s define the term, shall we? Has the word sexting made it into the dictionary yet? Probably, yes, but for this piece lets use my own definition:
Sext (v.) sek-st (gerund or present partible: sexting) // The act of exchanging sexually explicit messages via e-mail, text message or instant message, which may or may not include photographs or video, and typically results in masturbation and/or ejaculation.
There are various levels of severity in the act of sexting, a Hierarchy of Sexting, if you will. These are levels of flirtation and [mostly*] mutual sexual stimulation, one of which I am sure you will find yourself an affiliate. *Sometimes it’s more amusing than arousing.
Hierarchy of Sexting
1. Suggestive wording, exchange of innuendos // rating: one sploosh emoji
2. Graphic explanation of sexual fantasy // rating: two sploosh emoji
3. All of the above, accompanied by audiovisual enhancements // rating: three sploosh emoji
*Please note: with the exception of example No. 1, masturbation is implied.
Speaking of that naughty m-word… can we all stop acting shy about masturbation already? This is not the Victorian era. It’s not hush-hush. We all do it. And we all have sex. It’s a big part of our lives. Even if we end up imprisoned or homeless, it’s one thing they can’t take away from us without removing our hands. We should discuss it, like anything else. It sure beats talking about the weather.
“8 Inches of snow? In Colorado? WTF?”
More like, “8 inches of cock? In my pussy? WTF!”
And what about porn preferences? While dick pics are indeed ammo for my arsenal, I obviously prefer to use video for inspiration. I mean, who doesn’t enjoy watching a movie? And since we discuss our opinions of other genres in great length, why not share our thoughts and feelings on this variety of entertainment? What‘s your flavor? Bukakke? Gang bangs? Lesbian porn? Cuckhold, P.O.V., interracial? Threesomes, foursomes, moresomes? Amateur or professional? What site do you use? Do you prefer enjoying porn solo, with a friend, or both? Enquiring minds want to know.
My likes, you may query? Since you ask, I will oblige. I say no to aggressive gang bangs, Asian porn where the girls cry like babies, and close-ups of cock n’ balls bangin’ doggy style. Anal ain’t my bag, and I’m not a fan of watching golden showers, although personally I’ve never tried this act. MILFs teaching teens is hilarious, as is the guy who humps blow up pool toys, those people who rub one off with their thrift store fur coat, or people who sit on balloons.
I might honestly be the only creep to think this way, although I prefer to think I’m just the only person to shamelessly say it out loud. Sexting, masturbation, porn: it’s just a part of life these days, whether we aggressively inserts ourselves into it, or ease it in… like a gentleman.
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