mama don't take no mess.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

We’re whores


 

Twenty-nine percent of men in the U.S. report having 15 or more female sexual partners in a lifetime, while only 9 percent of women report having sex with 15 or more partners, indicates a 2007 survey conducted by the National Center for Health Statistics.

Findings also conclude that, on average, men have seven sexual partners in their lifetime, compared with four sexual partners for women.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Says who?

Granted, the news articles based on this report include no statistics on exactly who was responding to their survey — we know not their age, race, religion, class or even country. But these figures simply CAN NOT be accurate (I‘m spelling that word wrong to make a point, so suck it.) Now, I’m not an unabashed cum-guzzling, jizz-mopping, tea-bagging, penis receptacle; but I think it goes without saying: I’ve had a few dicks in me. Plus, I know a lot of women who blow the roof off the mother fucker when it comes to being a gap-toting slutbag, so I think I’m free of full-blown trollop status. And, even if tons of people marry their high school sweethearts, and/or have relationships that last 5-10 years, wouldn’t the porn stars even out the prudes? What, they didn’t survey any?

I find it more than a little concerning that these stats come from a division of the Center for Disease Control. I would imagine the CDC actually knows what they’re talking about. You’d think the government would have the best technology and the most honest statistics available. Or, maybe this is a huge conspiracy. Perchance the National Center for Health Statistics is secretly funded by the religious right, whose goal is to interview limited subjects, and publish false findings, in an overall effort to curb sexual activity! *insert dramatic sigh here* Well if so, good luck, The Man, I’m pretty sure sex will always win — in any battle.

I’m also curious what the Center means when they say the results were obtained “using high-tech methods to solicit candid answers on sexual activity.” Did they bug my bra or something? I don’t care how high-tech the methods were, and how frank the responses, I’d say a fair amount of people lied about their answers. Who replies honestly when a complete stranger asks about their personal business? (Besides me and a few other shamelessly sluttastic individuals, that is.) I feel like a great deal of people must, for some reason or another, be embarrassed about their sex lives and, consequently, fib about fucking as many fools as they have.

Pulling rank

So, what makes 15 the magic number? If I were to draw a line in the sand, I’d say a solid 50 cocks marks a slut (although that’s probably because that number seems so far from my own guesstimate.) These audacious facts have encouraged me to create a pecker -ahem- pecking order in terms of sex and the modern woman.

Here you have it, the Hierarchy or Whoredom:

     Porn star 15++++

     Prostitute 15+++

     Slut/whore 15++

     Single/sexually liberal 15+

     Prude/serial monogamist 0-14

You can determine where you place on this list; but, please, don’t be ashamed of your status. In some states it's still illegal to be on top; give a blow job; take it up the ass; or even pair patent leather shoes with a skirt. If you aren’t scared of the police knocking down your door, you shouldn’t be scared of what other people think. But, in the end, it’s your business and no one else’s… unless, of course, you talk about sex and dicks and such as a leisurely pursuit, like someone you all know.

Since these statistics are seemingly nonsense — and as a result of no demographics being released along with the fraudulent findings — I took a little survey of my own. In my research, I surveyed women between the ages of 20 and 50, who are either married or single, and of all sexual orientations. And, as it turns out, the whore’s have it! My survey of 65 women found that 44 “ladies,” or 68%, have fucked 15 or more partners. Meanwhile, 21 refined females, or 32% of respondents, have lain with less than 15.

And, apparently, every man is a whore (shocking). Either that, or they’re all liars, since only one man admitted to having slept with less than 15 partners. For shame! Married, under 15 sexual partners, and NO diseases before the age of 30? How dare you be a civilized non-man-whore! And in the year 2012, no less? Psh! (To be fair, I think those men who had scored with under 15 women simply didn’t answer.)

And, you may be wondering why I didn‘t include gay men in my findings. From the few responses I gathered, I’ve concluded that their ranking system is far different than my own. The lifestyles of some gay men represent 2012’s approach to free love and loose principles and, I must say, I admire them for that. They’ve revamped the social norms and stigmas attached to sex. Why aren’t heterosexuals less uptight about sex? Or maybe the majority of us are...

In conclusion, it seems the 44 nameless sluts I studied disprove the theory that the average woman has slept with but four men. So, maybe we’re not complete whores (assuming that I‘m one of the many skanks discrediting this theory): we don’t charge; we use protection; and we won’t get you arrested. And, who determines what makes a slutty whorebag, anyway? 15 P’s in the VG? Eh, NBD. In this day and age, 15 men in your cock chamber in one lifetime ain’t shit. And, if 15 men makes a whore, then wear that scarlet A proudly, you buncha bitches. Say it loud, say it proud, “I’m a whore!” I know most of you wear that badge with your head high — either that, or I only choose to consort with harlots. On that note, let’s end this piece with some priceless quotes from a few of the loose slots I surveyed:

“If over 15 is a slut, I’m a dirty whore!”

“You know my answer... It's true... I'm a dirty, filthy, nasty slutbag whore…”

And, my favorite response, “In my whole life, or this year?”