mama don't take no mess.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

The way African Americans have repurposed the N-word, and the Gays have reclaimed the F-word; I believe that Chad's will reappropriate their own moniker, change the C-word from “Cunt” to “Chad,” and only Chads themselves will be able say the filthy, four-letter word.



While the word “cunt” used to make me cringe, I now use this word on the regular. Cunt this, cunt that, cunt you very much. If you’re not a fan of this term, but would like to dabble with the usage of “cunt,” I recommend that you start out by saying, “See you next Tuesday!“ (C-U-Next-Tuesday) And, from there, move forward using baby steps. Perhaps practice on the down-low: “Cunt wait to see you this weekend!” or “I cunt believe it’s not butter.” Through these small strides, you can join me in my efforts to increase the ranking of the word cunt in one’s vocabulary. Yet, as a result of this tangent, I’ve deviated from my thesis: that Chads are destined to cock block the word they so illustrate with their very presence on this earth. The way African Americans have repurposed the N-word, and the Gays have reclaimed the F-word; I believe that Chad's will reappropriate their own moniker, change the C-word from “Cunt” to “Chad,” and only Chads themselves will be able say the filthy, four-letter word.

Thou shalt not say the N-word

I can’t say it. It just doesn’t sound right coming out of my mouth. I submit that if you’re white; or not African American, more specifically, you sound like a total dick smack when you say it — except maybe if you have a thick Asian or Middle Eastern accent… that shit would be solid. I would also laugh upon hearing the word spoken by the computerized female voice that reads my text messages to me.

I don’t want to say it. It’s not my style. In fact, when I sing Notorious BIG’s “Juicy,” I even say “… and if you don’t know, now you know, negro.“ That’s just me. Plus, I can‘t lie, I like that it rhymes.

I don’t like when you say it… except if it’s socially acceptable for you to do so (you know who you are). I will admit that I find it somewhat amusing that people have began to substitute the word, “ninja;” but I am not one such someone. In addition, it seems like a cop-out. Either have the balls to say it (if that’s your thing,) or expand your fucking vocabulary.

Thou shalt not say the F-Word

While some consider the F-word to be “fuck,” I’m personally doing my part to make this fucking word as fucking common as the fucking word “the…” mother fucker. In my humble opinion, the inappropriate F-word is (dare I say it?) “Fag.”

I must admit, the improper F-word has slipped out of my mouth on occasion. But, in my defense, when I first learned this word, I didn’t understand that it was intended to refer to a gay man; a pole smoker, if you will. I just thought it was similar to saying “asshole,” “dick,” “gomer,” or “douche bag” (my personal favorite). I think I last used the word fag to describe Fall Out Boy (which is most likely the most reasonable definition, anyway.)

Gay men, the dirty-minded little muses that they are, will throw out the F-word faster than a girl with a tramp stamp will drop to her knees and suck your dick. And, like the N-word — and, one day, the C-word — this is a term that only they can say, which is fine by me… unless Fall Out Boy is in town.

We can also credit gay men with forcefully ramming the word “bitch” all up in that mainstream terminology. They’ve snatched the “B-word,” from the remainder of society — that, along with the rainbow… those bitches.

Thou shalt not say the C-Word

Clearly the most offensive C-word is “Chad,” which typically describes a male douche bag who frequents the tanning booth; and is likely wearing a long-sleeved, button-down, striped, collared shirt at this very moment (unless he‘s feeling casual, in which case he is donning a short-sleeved polo with a popped collar). This man has a tribal arm band; and uses hair gel more often than a gold digger uses her sugar daddy. In short, “… white boy, blonde hair, tries too hard,” as my friend Jerome succinctly stated.

I’m not sure whether or not Chads know they should be offended by this term. But I figure that, soon enough, they will embrace the word as their own; take complete ownership; and forever maintain the monopoly. And, as a result, we simpletons will be left without a word to describe the Ed Hardy- and conch shell necklace-sporting fucktards. We’ll have to say, “Son of a fucker! That C-word cut me off!” And if we dare slip and say the word “Chad” out loud in a fit of passion, the music will screech to a stop, people will gasp, and women will anxiously cover their children’s ears. For shame!

Meanwhile, the overly confident Chads and their anorexic, 19-year-old sorority sister girlfriends be driving around in Audi’s with vanity plates reading “CHAD-4-69.“ Their mothers’ cars will be equipped with bumper stickers that read “Proud Mother of a Chad.” They will rock tight, fitted t-shirts announcing their “Chad Pride!” And maybe, perhaps as a salute to the rainbow or pink triangle, they’ll use the yellow square as their own personal symbol — an image which seems to echo Jerome‘s wise words: “… white boy, blonde hair, tries too hard.” I imagine some Chads will get this representation tattooed on their arm or back; while others will simply wear ball caps (with the brim to the side, of course) that proudly portray this image.

So, step as aside, cunt — there’s a new C-word in town… and it’s wearing a v-neck, argyle vest.