At some point in history, all of the men and boys must have been gathered in one room and been informed, “Hey, you don’t have to court women and take them on dates in order to get laid. They wanna hump just as badly as we do.”

  A Receipt for Courtship Two or three dears, and two or three sweets
Two or three balls, and two or three treats
Two or three serenades, given as a lure
Two or three oaths how much they endure
Two or three messages sent in a day
Two or three times led out from the play
Two or three soft speeches made by the way
Two or three tickets for two or three times
Two or three love letters writ all in rhymes
Two or three months keeping strict to these rules
Can never fail making a couple of fools.  

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, a being called a “gentleman” tried to get to know a woman before attempting to put his penis inside of her. In fact, frequently a man and a woman would go months before even kissing — and their bodies didn’t even touch, as an actual embrace came after an even longer period of time.

Yes it’s true: Back in the day, men underwent months of big, angry, throbbing blue balls just to earn a peck on the cheek and something to store in his spank bank. Men had to meet a woman’s parents, talk to her on the phone for hours, write letters, and bring offerings such as candy, produce and probably even goats in some cultures. Yet as the years progressed, men realized that, while candy is just dandy, liquor is much quicker.

Fast forward. The year? 2010. The place? The Real World — and, no, not the reality show where twenty-something Americans get hammered and rub up on each other for the entire world to see. When we were little girls, the phrase "happy ending" meant someday my prince will come. As adult women, we now know that the term "happy ending" means someday my prince will cum. Nowadays people meet through mutual friends, at various events, and on social networking and dating sites. Yet it still seems that the concept of “dating” has become outdated.

Let’s review the many ways men and women come to get it on today:

“Dating.” Oft times when I meet a man, the goal is to get me liquored up and take me either A.) back to my place, or B.) back to his place. Another attempt is to ask me to “come over and watch a movie.” While this may seem innocent enough, when a man asks me to come over and watch a movie — and, after years of such invitations — I basically hear, “Wanna come over, put on a movie, and dry hump while I try to slip it in there, and you try not to let me?”

To this request, my answer is typically, “Yes, but not until you buy me dinner first.” I mean, I’m a respectable lady, after all. And while I don’t sell myself for money; it aint free, either. It’s not that I expect a man to buy things for me before I put out, but I can’t help but wonder… what happened to getting to know one another (or at least pretending you care to do so)? A little effort would be nice.

Booty calls. Ah the booty call — the most passive of attempts to bump uglies. These calls, or more often, text messages, typically come between the hours of one and four in the morning — you know, after the guy (or girl) hasn’t found someone at the bar with which to knock boots. Once it has become clear to a man that no one in the room is going to blow him, a little voice in his heads says, “Maybe so-and-so would…” and out goes a text (or mass text, for those who are more determined) that says those three little words every woman wants to hear: “You still up?”

Depending on how talented that man has proved to be in the sack, and whether someone else is currently in the woman’s bed, the woman either responds with an invitation, or ignores the call. She may even call him out on this the next day, as I often enjoy doing (although I’ll admit now that I usually sleep through the call and end up kicking myself the next morning). On those occasions when I wake the next morning and decide to call a guy out, I usually wait until he’s slept it off a bit and has forgotten he sent a text reading, “I’ve got to give you some soon.” Then, at about 3 pm, I forward his text back to him so he can see the words and be ever-so-slightly embarrassed that, while he was drunk, his dick must have texted me at 5 am.

Meeting in reverse. Sometimes… well, ofttimes, singletons go to bars, get inebriated and immediately implement the “you’ll do” factor in an effort to get off. In fact, some of us meet a man or woman in reverse — meaning you wake up next to someone you faintly remember banging it out with, and ask, “What’s your name again?”

The Walk of Shame, once being known as looking haggard while walking home in last night’s ensemble, is now akin to waking up, seeing an individual you don’t know in your bed, turning the shutter sound off your phone, taking a photo, and seeing whether you remember meeting this person at all.

What comes next (the wake-him-up/throw-him-out) is always the best part. Once, after having woken up next to the Geico Caveman — and upon seeing his pleather jacket and generic cross-trainers laying on my floor — I told the mouth-breather that I had to leave for work and he had to leave immediately, if not sooner. I then gave him a number dangerously close to my own and slammed the door. A perfectly applied wake-him-up/throw-him-out… that is, until I saw him downtown nearly a year later and could tell he recognized me. Of course I saw the hairy Neanderthal and his huge wooden club right away, and ran for the hills.

So there you have it, courtship 2010 at its finest. Just think: One day, if men have their way, they may fuck women before even introducing themselves. If the “Virgin” Mary can get knocked up via miraculous conception, why can’t I?

Sometimes, the only way for a woman to cheer herself up is to visit the “casual encounters” section on craigslist and laugh, laugh, laugh.

We’ve all been there: It’s Monday morning, you're late for your job, but have to stop for gas; you can’t wake up, but also can’t afford a $5 cup of coffee; and you get a speeding ticket on the way to work — just fuck’n lovely. On such a case of the Mondays, it’s often near impossible to work, let alone successfully transition from meh to mahvelous. Enter: Craigslist casual encounters.

Craiglist.org is a Web site that allows its users to post ads and photos for pretty much anything they want — from concert tickets, to puppies, to free firewood, to requests for a woman with nice feet who wants to give a man a “dope foot job”. In fact, one very special section of this site allows people who are probing for one night stands and/or trolling for a fuck buddy to post ads for “casual encounters.” Don’t insult me by pretending you don’t know what this is.

I’ve always been fascinated by the fact that, when asked, men will quite often just pull out their Don Johnson and show it to you — further proof that we humans derived from monkeys. In an effort to see what they’d do, I’ve twice in my life (albeit years ago) asked a man to pull it out while at the bar. And both times the man did… an action which both times resulted in me pointing and laughing. It’s wasn’t necessarily the size that warranted the guffaw, it was the fact that they did so after a complete stranger suggested it, and that they had acted so casually about this overwhelmingly bold action. Also amusing was the fact that neither of these men took the time to at least get the sucker half-mast first.

*Please note: no one wants to see a flaccid penis… no one. Smack some sense into that thing before such an exhibition.

When I’m in need of a good laugh and find myself checking out this section of Craigslist, I am often blushing, laughing, and saying aloud “eeewwww!” or “oh my god!” (and not in a good way.) But it’s like realizing your TV all of the sudden gets the porno channel for free — you become overcome with curiosity and cannot bring yourself to look away. I mean, it’s free for fuck’s sake! So there I sit, clicking only the ads with images, and chuckling at the various shapes, sizes and colors of dongs — not to mention the techniques men use to show off their dick and lure women into a no strings attached relationship.

Although these photos are mostly taken with camera phones, the men posting these ads often use creative angles, or reflect it in a mirror; they even make the photo sepia tone for that artistic flare that just may catch a woman’s eye. Hunting for ammo just now, I saw a image of a man with his boner concealed in zebra-print Snuggie — you just can’t make this shit up, folks — and a man with his junk resting on a can of Edge shaving cream… so you can, you know, size it up. Men can be rather innovative when they put their minds to something… well, when that something is sex.

The act of a man posting a phallic photo in hopes to bang it out with an also horny stranger reminds me of this footage of a bird of paradise from the Planet Earth series: 

 


And what can be learned from this video and from the countless dick pics on Craigslist?


Males will do anything to get laid: hop on one foot, dance, sing, do a trick, wear bright colors — all actions that seem to scream “Look at me! Look at me!” or “Nice shoes, wanna fuck?” for the less motivated of animals.

P.S. You thought I was kidding, didn't you?